First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
That seems a conundrum…
🤔