first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.