tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
God has abandoned us.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.