Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
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friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.