Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner