got so much cardio in today
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The real reason evolution started..😂
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
They also CAN sing✌️
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.