Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”