Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
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I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel