Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”