As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
😂😂
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life