Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.