[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
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I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”