I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where