I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Lucky old June.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.