Holy shit he’s back
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Who.
Did.
This?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.