Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Left at a local drug store…
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme