ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.