WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Bike is short for Bichael.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.