i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.