Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I am a gravy boat captain
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Not messing around
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE