I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Hit me in the face with a bird
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents