No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon