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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!