The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”