Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there