My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Morning.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.