WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”