Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
accurate
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.