Holy shit he’s back
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*names my little horse OneTrick*
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Okay me first
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.