SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
This forever.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?