Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.