[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Employees must applaud the planets.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.