Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
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Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?