Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Jail
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
titanic
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous