if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down