My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I bet birds love this building.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Whoa… oh I see lol
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: