When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
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Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary