{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
You Might Also Like
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
this article brought to you by lions
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?