I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts