I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Pringles