Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
new wife guy just dropped
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here