The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.