I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[eulogy]
line?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.