The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
This was my dad’s browser history.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.