I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
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My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
What the dentist sees
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I missed you with all my darts
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help