[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
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They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
A woman drives into a bar.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“A little help here, Danny?”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.