[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
You Might Also Like
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg