Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.