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Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
i wish i could marry a nap