Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
You Might Also Like
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!